Lovable strippers to be Co-CEOs of Bank of America

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Randi Newton and Katie Haverton, former Wall Streeters by day and strippers by night, have accepted President Obama’s request to act as Co-CEOs of the troubled Bank of America.  Kenneth Lewis will step down, receiving a $28 million golden parachute.

Barb Wire was tough, but fair.

Barb Wire was tough, but fair.

Newton and Haverton know the Wall Street game well.  “I have experience as a financial analyst at Morgan Stanley,” Newton reads from her resumé, “And I’ve got a shitload of street cred.”  Newton contends that Bank of America has become troubled because they lost vision of the people on the ground.  “I think they need to listen to more hip hop,” Newton says.  “I learned a lot by the songs they used to play at Rick’s Cabaret.”

Former real estate agent Katie Haverton will focus primarily on the company’s troubled CDO market.  “In my heyday, I sold a buttload of subprime mortgages.  I know how they work and what we can do, to get people to pay them.”  Haverton remains closely knit with the security staff Flash Dancers, the club she used to dance at in Midtown.  “I don’t think the police or the state needs to get involved with these mortgages.  If the people can’t pay them, I know who to call.”

Newton still remains loyal to her club, but won’t have time to strip anymore.  “I’ve got a lot of work on my plate now,” she says.  But when asked if she will ever dance again, Newton remains steadfast, “There will be reunion shows.  Don’t mark your calendars quite yet, but you’ll be seeing these titties again before the next election.”

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Source: Midtown Harlot

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