Archive for the ‘April Fools’ Category

Glenn Beck allegedly sued over 9/12 project

April 1, 2009

Early Wednesday morning, Glenn Beck allegedly received a phone call from the lawyers behind the 9/11 Project, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing emergency relief during national disasters.  According to preliminary reports, Beck’s Project may require a name change or face legal consequences.

Glenn Beck is super serial.

Glenn Beck is super serial.

Beck recently started a movement called the 9/12 Project.  A melodramatic attempt to capitalize on the worst tragedy in American history, nearly 8 years after the fact.  The name 9/12 refers to the country’s feelings the day after 9/11 as well as 9 principles and 12 values that Beck believes will offend the least number of Fox-watchers while still causing enough criticism to raise his ratings.

The controversey originated when Beck decided to remove one of his 12 values from the organization’s leger.  After defending the bonuses AIG executives received in the last week, Beck made the decision that “Thrift” needed to be removed from his list of 12 values.

After Thrift was removed, the organization had no choice but to fall into the new name The 9/11 Project, creating a conflict with the non-profit.  “It’s Unamerican, what they are doing,” said a spokesperson for Beck. “Personal responsibility is one of our most important values.  These handouts they give, they don’t help anyone.”

Beck could not be reached for comment.  However, a tearful apology or a tearful tirade involving the 9/11 Project is expected on Thursday night’s show.

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: Median Matters

Quick Link: Michael Moore moves to Cuba for cuisine

April 1, 2009

Oscar winning documentary writer and producer Michael Moore has decided to move to Cuba.  After tasting Cuban cuisine for the first time in a chic San Francisco cafe, Moore craves the meats, beans, and plantains on a more consistent basis.  When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the filmmaker said, “Michael will still visit the United States when he needs to exploit liberal guilt.  But he prefers a lethargic lifestyle on the beach.  Really, he’s a lot like Hemingway.”

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: The Dunge Retort

Lovable strippers to be Co-CEOs of Bank of America

April 1, 2009

Randi Newton and Katie Haverton, former Wall Streeters by day and strippers by night, have accepted President Obama’s request to act as Co-CEOs of the troubled Bank of America.  Kenneth Lewis will step down, receiving a $28 million golden parachute.

Barb Wire was tough, but fair.

Barb Wire was tough, but fair.

Newton and Haverton know the Wall Street game well.  “I have experience as a financial analyst at Morgan Stanley,” Newton reads from her resumé, “And I’ve got a shitload of street cred.”  Newton contends that Bank of America has become troubled because they lost vision of the people on the ground.  “I think they need to listen to more hip hop,” Newton says.  “I learned a lot by the songs they used to play at Rick’s Cabaret.”

Former real estate agent Katie Haverton will focus primarily on the company’s troubled CDO market.  “In my heyday, I sold a buttload of subprime mortgages.  I know how they work and what we can do, to get people to pay them.”  Haverton remains closely knit with the security staff Flash Dancers, the club she used to dance at in Midtown.  “I don’t think the police or the state needs to get involved with these mortgages.  If the people can’t pay them, I know who to call.”

Newton still remains loyal to her club, but won’t have time to strip anymore.  “I’ve got a lot of work on my plate now,” she says.  But when asked if she will ever dance again, Newton remains steadfast, “There will be reunion shows.  Don’t mark your calendars quite yet, but you’ll be seeing these titties again before the next election.”

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Source: Midtown Harlot

Quick Link: Gingrich divorces third wife, reverts back to being a Baptist

April 1, 2009

Well, that certainly didn’t take long.  After going public with news that he had converted to Catholicism, the religion practiced by his current third wife Callista Bisek, Newt Gingrich has decided to call it quits.  Citing irreconcilable differences with Saint Augustine’s Just War Theory, Gingrich decided that the religion does not mesh with his conservative principles.

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: The 9/13 Project

North Dakota state senator wants to save Fargo by setting massive fires

April 1, 2009

State senator Ashley Fairbanks of Bismarck, North Dakota has an unusual plan to curb the flooding in Fargo.  Fairbanks contends that she thought of the idea while boiling water in her kitchen.

Science at work.

Science at work.

“I put 3 quarts of water into a pot and starting boiling it,” Fairbanks said. “But by the time it was ready for the linguine noodles, there must have been only 2 and a half quarts left.”

Fairbanks said that she had noticed this phenomenon before, but had ignored it.  With flooding getting out of control on the eastern part of the state, Fairbanks was more aware of the dangers of water.

Fairbanks is a lifelong Democrat and believes that government should solve all of the state’s problems.  “I drafted a bill immediately that would help stop the flooding in Fargo.  No other state lawmaker even came close to my comprehensive approach.  I had to use my daughter’s science book for some of the technicalities, but I think I got it all right.”

The “Boil it Back” bill has received bipartisan support by the North Dakota state legislature.  Applewood Fields, a Republican senator from some bullshit town by the South Dakota border, says that he supports the bill.  Fields is the Chairperson of the North Dakota Environmental Committee.  “The Phoenix Forest is just outside the city,” Fields says.  “It’s just a whole lot of nothing.  Trees and small animals, but nothing anybody cares about.  If we start a fire there, we can really get rid of some of that damn water.”

The North Dakota legislature will have an emergency meeting on Thursday to vote on the bill.

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: The Bismarck Bus

Quick Link: Pat Robertson says executive pay at AIG is “bullshit”

April 1, 2009

Reverend Pat Robertson of the 700 Club had some choice words for AIG executives this morning on his show.   A reporter from The Science Monitor contacted Robertson at his mansion later in the day and asked him to clarify his remarks.  “God says it harder for a rich man to get to heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.  What these people did, well, it’s bullshit!”

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: The Science Monitor

Conficker computer virus destroys alleged Ashley Biden video

April 1, 2009

The man who allegedly recorded Ashley Biden snorting cocaine experienced some tough luck Wednesday morning.  The Conficker computer virus evolved at midnight last night and completely destroyed his local hard drive and his USB device that contained copies of the video.

The Conficker virus is the worst computer virus to date.

The Conficker virus is the worst computer virus to date.

After his lawyer Tom Dunlap quit on Monday, the man hired Aaron Ferguson, a civil disputes lawyer from New Hampshire to handle the negotiations.  Ferguson’s past clients include Ferris Otherby and Olga Levinitz, a couple that gained international fame last year for suing their neighbor Alexa Feroli.  After being asked to take off her shoes at the door, Levinitz stepped on a small nail burrowed in Feroli’s carpet.

Otherby and Levinitz won the lawsuit in November and immediately headed to the emergency room.  Otherby defended their bizarre behavior.  “We didn’t have enough money earlier to go to the hospital, so we decided to wait until we won the lawsuit to get it taken care of.”  Judge Paril Folo defended the verdict.  “After the gangrene set in, it was difficult to stay in court for more than an hour because of the smell.  We took a lot of breaks.”

Ferguson contends that the audio portion of the Ashley Biden video is still intact.  “We’ve examined what’s left of the tape and still want the case to move forward.  We are now selling the tape for $50,000, as you can still hear Ms. Biden snorting the cocaine.”

The Biden family has had no comment on this developing story.

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: The Delaware Post

Quick Link: Sarah Palin converts to Catholicism

April 1, 2009

Following Newt Gingrich’s lead, Sexy Sarah Palin from Alaska is going to convert to Catholicism.  When asked if she would support the Pope’s strong opposition to using condoms to fight HIV infection in Africa, Palin responded with an enthusiastic, “You Betcha!”

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: Anchorage Gazette

Seattle GOP leader imprisoned in Nicaragua for biological warfare

April 1, 2009

Arianna Favela is stuck in a prison in Nicaragua.  Favela is the head of the GOP Political Action Committee “County First,” an organization dedicated to electing Republicans in King County, Washington.

An agent of biological warfare

An agent of biological warfare

Favela departed from the United States on March 27th to visit a friend in Nicaragua, but she ran into trouble immediately after getting off the plane.   Her husband Arik Favela explains, “They checked her luggage at customs and found an apple that she packed in her carry-on.  She didn’t eat it during her layover in Dallas.  And by the time she got to customs it was too late to declare it.”

Nicaragua is one of the leading exporters of fruits in Central America.  Customs officials demand that no produce be allowed into the country for fear of foreign parasites.

“She doesn’t speak much Spanish, so when they asked her about the apple, she tried as best she could.  They seized her luggage and took her to a room to ask questions.”

Even with the spread of globalization, most in Nicaragua do not speak English.  An interpreter could not be found so they took Favela to an undisclosed prison where she was able to call her husband.

“They gave her one phone call.  She called and said that I should contact the American Embassy in Nicaragua.  You know what I told her?  Why didn’t you call them in the first place?  I’m not going to give her a handout just because she got herself in a this situation.  She’s got to pull herself up from her bootstraps.”

Arik Favela has since moved on from his life with Arianna.  “I just couldn’t handle it anymore.  That phone call was just a microcosm of America these days.  Too many people that are looking for everyone else to bail them out.  Well, I was against the bailout from the start.  You can quote me on that.”

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: King County Chronicle

Obama tells mayor of Washington DC that he supports legalizing marijuana in the city limits

April 1, 2009

President Barack Obama told Mayor of Washington D.C. Adrian Fenty early Wednesday morning that he would support City Council Bill 041 that allows for small quantities of marijuana to be purchased, sold, and used within the city limits.

Marijuana may soon be legalized in the city limits of Washington D.C.

Bill 041 was drafted in late February by Archie Foster, a representative from Ward 9, and has had some difficulty getting through the city’s budget committee.    Obama said Wednesday that the budget deficit in Washington was unprecedented and that the city should examine all avenues for potential revenue.  “I don’t think people should use marijuana,” he said. “But we have to act responsibly in this volatile economy.  If the city cannot find another way of generating revenue, then Bill 041 should be adopted.”

Fenty was surprised by the President’s endorsement.  “I’ve urged our city council members to examine every resource at our disposal.  We still haven’t decided for certain what we’re going to do.”

Fenty has been mayor of Washington only two years.  “This is not what I expected to be doing when I came into office,” he said. “But I’m encouraged by any help we can receive from the people at the Capitol.”

Bill 041 does carry some strict regulations for marijuana use.  The plants will undergo scrutiny from the Washington Board of Public Health before they are dispatched to city-approved distribution centers.  The sunset clause on the Bill ends April 1st, 2010.

RWP Rating: Crazy!

Full Story: Washington Post-Intelligencer